Finding the end of the Rainbow
Posted By Warren on June 15, 2010
When I was a child in the harsh deserts of Arizona…
My mom used to take us out on spur of the moment trips. One trip tended to be right after it rained. Noticing a rainbow in the sky, my mom would pile us in the car we would take off from the house. We would spend the rest day trying to find the end of the glorious desert rainbow. We’d work our way through whatever desert sands and back roads we could, looking for that elusive and always in front of us mirage. My brother and I would discuss what we would find at the end of the rainbow and my mom would join in, always ready to share a dream with her two sons.
We’d often have the AC in the car turned on high to combat the desert heat, and I’d watch the miles roll by and the sun slowly drift across the desert sky. I remember closing my eyes in the back seat, willing myself to believe that the car was traveling the opposite direction that it was traveling. Believe it or not it would work, but I’d always be a bit disoriented when I opened my eyes.
I remember my brother and I would sit and and talk about the oddest things. The type of leprechaun we’d meet. What we would do with the gold. What if our favorite cartoon characters were real. We’d also make up new carnival rides for the fair. (The Hammer and the nail is one I remember. People would ride in both a giant hammer and a giant nail: It would go until the nail was pounded in to the ground.) My mom never seemed to mind. She would have the radio up, country musing pounding out the typical southern twang. We would often sing along to the songs, especially if it were a Hank Williams Jr. song. My brother was really in to Hank Williams Jr. when we were both kids… I can still hear Hank’s gravely voice float in the back of my mind as I write this.
Though we never found the end of the rainbow, the trips to search for it were worth the time spent looking.
I often wonder if I am just chasing the end of the rainbow in my life. Why I can’t just be content to do the same job for years at a time. If there is something that is wrong with me, some sort of immaturity inside me that keeps me from truly being comfortable at any one place. I have all these hopes and dreams… But they are hopes and dreams i’ve had for many years. I wonder if I should give up, give in, and just live life like everyone else. As I grow older, these thoughts come more and more to my mind. I wonder if I’ll ever fight through the issues I have with myself and actually…be someone.
I have days where I feel like I can take on the world. Those day are good, I love feeling confident in myself. But others… Others I just want to crawl in to my bed and stay there, not letting anyone in side my self made hole.
I am learning to deal with both types of days. I am learning to just enjoy the trip to find the end of the rainbow. Even if I never make it, I need to make sure that my trip wasn’t in vain. my mom proved that finding the rainbow isn’t what the trip is about, it is the journey that is brings meaning.
I don’t want to be one of those people that just lives in the past, relying on the dusty remains of tattered hopes and lost dreams.
I won’t be, but sometimes I feel like it is inevitable. Luckily I am not always like that and end up snapping out of it.
Which is good…I think, heh.
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