Random Thoughts

Posted By Warren on July 5, 2010

I should be asleep. I can’t get to sleep. I had a *thing* with my ex last night that is keeping me awake.

She asked me if I still loved her. I said “I don’t know.”

Because I really don’t know.

She didn’t take that well despite the fact we are not dating each other any longer. She has this idea that we will get back together and I don’t have that idea… She still loves me, but you wouldn’t of been able to tell that from the last month of our “relationship.” A time from a little before I quit/lost my job until the end of the relationship. It was full of her getting up set at me and (doing what she does when she gets upset, which is start to insult me.) The insulting stuff started to rise and that lead to me continuing to clamp down on talking to her.

She also thinks I’m the one that broke the relationship off. Yet she is the one that did it, I just agreed. She didn’t expect me to agree so quickly, but I had told her (when she had previously broke up with me) I am not a yo-yo. I don’t do the whole “break up, get back together, break up, get back together” cycle.

I vented to my brother for a bit tonight, but I am still upset. It is like everything came to a head in my mind tonight: I am not even sure I want to speak to her any more.

Part of it comes down to her wanting to force me to talk. Now those that know me know it isn’t hard to get me to talk. But she hasn’t really giving me that much time to just…recuperate from the end relationship. At least once a week she’s wanted to “talk” about it. I say I don’t want to talk. So she continues to talk about it. I say I don’t really want to talk about it. Yet she continues. Until finally I hang up and she doesn’t mention it again… Until the next time she wants to talk about it.

Usually when she does get an answer out of me, it isn’t want she wants to hear.

When we first got together, I felt like I could tell this gal anything and her not judge me for it. Then I began to find out her way of not judging was still trying to get me to…change. To became a “man.” Or her version of a man, anyway. Nothing I was brought up to think a man is: You know someone honorable, full of morals. Someone that was a leader as well as a servant… Nope. Apparently I was a wuss.

That started me slowly to stop talking about how I view life. To retreat in to myself. To not say how I felt about things, to just let her prattle on in one sided conversations… I started to slowly stop caring about what she thought about my actions in life.

Believe it or not, this pained me. I didn’t want this to happen.

I lost that feeling of comfort I had. You know what I mean? The comfort a person has with close family and friends. The family has to accept you (even if they don’t want to ) and the friends accept you because they are your friends.

The comfort left and I knew, when I quit/lost my job, that this wouldn’t work. The support system I wanted wasn’t there. I felt like a dog that was wounded and kicked over and over again.

Yet I loved her, right? So I kept on trying… But it was kind of futile. I knew things were waning. I didn’t talk to her about anything and I know that isn’t a relationship. Finally when she said “I don’t think this is working.” I jumped on it.

It wasn’t working. The woman I had once loved so deeply now was I couldn’t imagine marrying. Since I am not in a relationship for sex or just to “not be alone,” I knew it wouldn’t work.

Yet I wanted to try to be her friend. To be there when she needed it, even if we weren’t together. It doesn’t seem to be working. I just want some time away from thinking about ‘the relationship’ and she keeps bringing it up. I never know, when she calls, when the conversation will turn that direction. It makes me tense and a little short with my words.

I do not wish bad things for her. It is the opposite: I want her to be happy. I want her to have a good life. I still care about her a great deal. I don’t *lose* emotions. The constant barrage of…things just makes a person turn.

I want a gal that will support me. One that has *some* interest in my life. One that isn’t trying to change me form who I am. One that doesn’t think I’m mean when I crack a joke. One that I can share the little moments with. One that I can be out on a date with and not be uncomfortable. That if we are on said date and my car starts to break down, she doesn’t get upset when I am worried more about the care then about the events she has already related to me about 10 times. One that isn’t upset when I am late for something with her and it is because of something totally out of my control.

One that is, above all, a Christian.

I hope I can be that man this gal deserves. Right now I don’t feel like I can be; I’m tired and pissed and down. I didn’t regret this relationship before today, but now I am starting to regret it.

One thing I learned is that I do need to communicate more in a relationship, but it is hard to communicate when you think that what you say really holds no meaning. That Love isn’t the only thing that can drive a relationship, there must be mutual respect too. I am glad I went through this, it has shown me a lot of things. I didn’t come through it unsullied. I hope that the dirt doesn’t mess up a chance of a future relationship with someone wonderful.

And now I’m not angry, just sad. I’ll get over it. I bounce back. But for now… I don’t know. Tonight was the first time I’ve really talked about how I *really* felt about everything, both to my brother and on here. Maybe I needed to do it as a catharsis to help me get on with my life.

Categories: Random Thought
Tags: end of a relationship