Comfort
Posted By Warren on July 20, 2010
I realized something last night.. I think it was last night. Or maybe it was this morning. Okay I realized sometime within the last 12 hours while laying in bed that I never was comfortable in my last relationship.
Not one time.
Even the time where I was head over heels for her. I guess I should’ve realized it on the first date. I didn’t get to the point where i Lost my nerves and felt like I could “just be myself.”
The second date went well though; somewhat well anyway. We went to a mall. It was a fun day, I enjoyed myself for the most part. Yet I still didn’t feel like myself…totally. But I chalked it up to just it being the second date.
I can look back on it now and see the little comments and such started before then. The ones that add up in your head. The comments that finally get you to a point where you are contemplating ending the relationship. When it does end, it is more of a relief then a heart-ache.
I had started to open myself up to her but… The nagging, the little comments. Things I didn’t seem to really even notice at first. They started to pile up. As they started coming faster, I withdrew to myself more and more.
Maybe I should’ve talked about it, or ended it sooner. I don’t know.
I do know I never really felt comfortable. That is odd to me; I am a pretty comfortable guy. I mean I call myself a closet introvert, but after talking with someone for a few minutes I generally feel myself.
Maybe it was the rush of emotions mixed with other things that clouded my mind. If I had been thinking straight, as I eventually did, I probably would’ve realized that I just didn’t feel myself around my ex.
Even now when I talk to her on the phone, I’m a mere shadow of myself. She says I have changed. I haven’t changed really, but it’s like a shop that is closed up for the night. I don’t feel comfortable revealing myself to her. It is because every time I did, I tended to get it slapped back in to my face.
Why am I writing this? Just as a way of getting it out of my system. Of examining my own motivations. I hate to say it but I don’t think I made right choices in this relationship, yet I do think I got out of it fairly unscathed.
But much more knowledgeable.
I hope to find someone that I can feel comfortable around, that i don’t have to worry about being myself. To be able to say the word “love” with out it being forced.
Is that…an unrealistic wish?
Oh and just because Chuck Norris is awesome:
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